Responsibility

Murky by Finijo

I got up this morning before Connor and sad, but true, I will let him sleep until he wakes up on his own (about 2:00 PM, if I am lucky), just so I can have the house to myself. Marilyn is in Conroe, so it feels like it's just me as I sit here typing away and listening to the churning of the clothes in the dryer. I feel like I am returning slowly to center. David's death is a fact that sinks in more and more each day, so now the only thing that throws my equilibrium off are the calls from my nephew in Little Rock as he has minor melt downs about his brother's rants from prison. Both of them are very easily worked up as they push each other's buttons incessantly. They tend to go from baseline to critical at the smallest hint of a slight from one to the other and the only thing that matters to them in the midst of this is to be right while the other is wrong. I don't operate that way. My critical state is when I weep (sometimes wail) alone in my car. I have difficulty with the Jerry Springer-esque lobbing of threats and the futility of pissing contests to try to "win" an argument. I know part of my job over the next two years is to try to help these two brothers to either find a way to love each like brothers should, or to teach them to co-exist peacefully so that they can run the business. Neither of them has come to terms with the fact that because their father died without a will, they are equal partners in the success or the failure of the business he left to them. One of them is stepping up to be responsible and the other is stunted by his incarceration and seems to think he won the lottery, rather than inheriting a business with all of the responsibilities that it entails. The beautiful house they now own together can either be a place of peaceful cohabitation or it can be their own personal hell. I have to remind myself that if I don't succeed, it will not truly be a failure, since I have no control at all over how they behave. I can only lead by example if they are paying attention and if they want to be lead and if they don't and they squander the gift their father left them, then ultimately, that is their path. Not being disappointed in them or myself will be more than difficult, so I will try to focus on the positives as I reconnect with them both.

As I write about their drama, it is dawning on me that I am pretty stressed out about the situation. I have been having vivid strange dreams and they are all about me being responsible for some situation or some big project and not staying on top of the details. On the plus side, I am also dreaming about art and getting some ideas for pieces I would like to attempt. I think venting via blog will help me to process all of the things I am struggling with at the moment, at least I hope so.