Responsibility

Murky by Finijo

I got up this morning before Connor and sad, but true, I will let him sleep until he wakes up on his own (about 2:00 PM, if I am lucky), just so I can have the house to myself. Marilyn is in Conroe, so it feels like it's just me as I sit here typing away and listening to the churning of the clothes in the dryer. I feel like I am returning slowly to center. David's death is a fact that sinks in more and more each day, so now the only thing that throws my equilibrium off are the calls from my nephew in Little Rock as he has minor melt downs about his brother's rants from prison. Both of them are very easily worked up as they push each other's buttons incessantly. They tend to go from baseline to critical at the smallest hint of a slight from one to the other and the only thing that matters to them in the midst of this is to be right while the other is wrong. I don't operate that way. My critical state is when I weep (sometimes wail) alone in my car. I have difficulty with the Jerry Springer-esque lobbing of threats and the futility of pissing contests to try to "win" an argument. I know part of my job over the next two years is to try to help these two brothers to either find a way to love each like brothers should, or to teach them to co-exist peacefully so that they can run the business. Neither of them has come to terms with the fact that because their father died without a will, they are equal partners in the success or the failure of the business he left to them. One of them is stepping up to be responsible and the other is stunted by his incarceration and seems to think he won the lottery, rather than inheriting a business with all of the responsibilities that it entails. The beautiful house they now own together can either be a place of peaceful cohabitation or it can be their own personal hell. I have to remind myself that if I don't succeed, it will not truly be a failure, since I have no control at all over how they behave. I can only lead by example if they are paying attention and if they want to be lead and if they don't and they squander the gift their father left them, then ultimately, that is their path. Not being disappointed in them or myself will be more than difficult, so I will try to focus on the positives as I reconnect with them both.

As I write about their drama, it is dawning on me that I am pretty stressed out about the situation. I have been having vivid strange dreams and they are all about me being responsible for some situation or some big project and not staying on top of the details. On the plus side, I am also dreaming about art and getting some ideas for pieces I would like to attempt. I think venting via blog will help me to process all of the things I am struggling with at the moment, at least I hope so.

Borrowed Time

Prayer for the Living by Finijo

Perhaps it is the combination of the New Year passing and David's death, but I am thinking more and more that I am on borrowed time. Grandma's life tells me that there is no way of knowing when your life will ebb away, but the Magic 8 Ball in my head keeps coming up "outlook not so good," when I think about the time I have left in this life to accomplish the things I want to do.  It's not exactly depressing, but I am re-evaluating what is important to me right now, and that isn't always as easy as it sounds.  

David Carroll West

I wrote to a friend that it is strange to think that I am in this world without my older brother and sister. They were always constants in my life and now there is a void where there presence once was. Even knowing they were a state away, they were still tangible and I knew that if I had a bad day or just needed to hear their voices, I could call them. It was an eight hour drive, but I knew that there was a hug and a smile from them just eight hours a way. 

We always assumed that losing Linda would be the hardest thing in the world, but somehow this loss seems more difficult. She had been so ill and become so debilitated by cancer that there was a small comfort in knowing that her years of fighting were over. David's illness began a little over a year ago and we thought he would be around for at least a few more years. I told him once that I thought he must have cockroach DNA, because he seemed indestructible. I think because we were so emotionally close to Linda our entire lives, but David had been so distant to us through his drug years, that his death is hitting us so very hard. I only became close to David after Linda's death, like a second string player whose chosen to play after the star player is out of the game. Slowly we built a relationship after he got sober and we became closer still in the last few years. His illness changed our relationship drastically after we went to care for him last Christmas. I don't think that he really knew we loved him until he got sick, and that saddens me greatly.

There was an ice storm in Little Rock just before we arrived. We witnessed the devastation it caused as we drove up I-30 and saw so many trees cracked and broken by the weight of the ice. David owned David's Tree Service in Little Rock, and he loved a good ice storm. He was not ghoulish about the devastation, but he knew that his phone would be ringing off the hook during a season that was normally not a busy time for his business. An ice storm was the chance to help people and to keep his crew working and earning money to support their families, and if the damage was extensive, they would be working for many weeks throughout the winter months.

While in Little Rock making the arrangements for David's funeral, I carried his phone and fielded calls from customers and from friends. Each call was wrenching and fascinating. Every single call was a window into his life that had not previously been open and those glimpses into how he impacted so many people over so many years breaks my heart and gives me great joy. I was shocked at how many of his customers broke down and cried while telling me what a great man he was and how much he had helped them over the years. They all spoke of his sense of humor and what an excellent service he provided. Most of them had something to say about the way he drove his crew to work to his exact specifications. I took a call Saturday evening, after the funeral was over and we were settling into our grief. The call was from Herman the German who called to tell David he was driving a truck through a place that David always wanted to visit, but never got the chance. Immediately I said, "You are in the Redwood Forest," and he replied that he was. He was very sad at the news that David died the morning of New Year's Eve. He said in his German accent, "I want to tell my story of how I met David." He recounted to me that he had just arrived in America in 1993 and was hitch hiking, and David was the first person to pick him up. He said, "He gave me a ride and he gave me a job." He talked of working for David and learning the tree business, and how eventually he was able to start his own tree company. "I had that company for 5 years and it was very successful, but I didn't like it." He sold his business and went traveling to "Ireland, Canada, and Maui." He wound up back in Little Rock last year and called David and told him, "I am back and I am going to drive trucks, but my job does not start for three months, can I work for you?" and David hired him back and they spend a lot of time together during those three months. Herman said he would continue to talk to David, because he thinks that they can hear you, even after they are dead. I don't know that they can't, so I hope he does and that it comforts him as it will comfort me to know that he remains in the thoughts of so many people.

David was a warm and funny man much of the time, but I never envied anyone who worked for him, especially his sons. His perfectionism on the job and his inability to communicate a directive without bellowing drove his boys away from the business he built for them. They both grew up steeped in the tree business, but neither son could work for my brother, and I understand too well why. His death has left the business to them and to my happy surprise they want to honor their father by keeping the company alive. David had a partner in his business, Orin, who has been in the tree business at least as long as David was. They were friends in their youth and worked together off and on over the years. Both David and Orin had similar work ethics, but their leadership styles differed dramatically and I think that under his tutelage my nephews may flourish, and in time even grow the business. I know that David would be proud of them for trying. I am proud of them for not taking the easy route and trying to succeed in the business their father taught them.

New Year's Eve

We found out this morning that our brother, David, died. In spite of his recent health problems, this was a surprise. He was not always the soundest of mind, but he was the soundest of body in our sibling group. It is more than strange to think that there are now only two of us left, stranger still to wonder at how much time we do or do not have left, given our brother and sister passing before reaching the age of 60. 

As New Year's Eves go, this one is not one of my better, but it is certainly the one I will be likely to remember for the rest of my life. We travel by car tomorrow to Little Rock and will drive the gray distance with a heaviness in our hearts that holds all of the trips back for sickness and death that we have made over the years. It occurred to me tonight that we always looked forward to our trips to Little Rock throughout our childhood and even into our early 30's, but then things started to change. Our sister, Linda, got cancer and married a horrid man while in a diminished mental state. Linda died, then our grandmother died, but not before countless trips to visit her in a nursing home. After Grandma died, we actually began to enjoy visiting David, which was no small feat as he was a difficult man, to say the least. Our relationship with him, which was strained and even distant through most of our lives seemed to develop into something deeper and with more respect than it had before. Visiting him last Christmas when he was sick and needed help to care for himself was a tipping point. He had promised to visit us, but he became very ill and  While the trip was more than difficult for us, he finally realized that he had two sisters who truly loved him, even when he felt he was unlovable. He wanted very much to visit this year, but his health failed him again and he spend much time in and out of the VA hospital in Little Rock over the last few months. We really thought he would heal up again and we would go see him in March. His sudden death this morning put an end to that plan. 

I am glad we had the last year and that he finally knew he was loved and that he had family that would be there for him in any circumstance. I wish he had more than just one year of that knowledge. I wish also that he had found happiness in his life. 

Happy New Year, David. We love you and are proud of the man you were able to become, and we are going to miss you more than you ever imagined was possible.

Contemplation on the New Year

Sitting in my living room looking out at the cold mid-morning grayness of the day, I'm grateful to be inside, warm and cocooned in my world of cats, family, and art. I am trying to center myself as I prepare to start another new year. I think about what I would like to accomplish in the new year and find that I am painting next years envisioned canvas with a much broader stroke than I did when I was younger. Instead of wanting to lose a specified number of pounds, I just want to live healthier. I want to eat organic food more, grow more vegetables in my garden this summer, cook more at home and eat out less, and get more exercise. Riding the bike that has sat unused since last year, is something else I want to do. There is no amount of miles that I have in mind per week, but I know I want to explore the bayous around Houston and I want to photograph my journey.  I want to steadily chip away at the debt incurred during the last few years of recession, but I don't have an exact amount in mind. I think I have finally learned that the best of plans can be detoured and derailed by the circumstances that are out of our control, so I am planning more loosely the things that I want to make happen in my life. Preciseness seems futile to me at this point, so I aim for a general direction and enjoy that path I am on. I will try not to lament the path not taken and hope that at the end of the year (just like at the end of this year) that I have progressed in my life and in the person I want to be.

Everything in my world is perfect, even the things I am trying to change. 

Speed of Life

Patience by Finijo 2009

The older I get, the more I know this to be true, life (for me) is speeding up. I try to stop and smell the roses, but it is longer and longer between sniffs. I remember days when I was a kid that seemed like they went on forever. Summers were infinitely long, so long that we had time to get bored, which made us excited that school would be starting soon. Now I don't have time to be bored. I don't seem to have time between one Christmas, birthday, holiday, etc...to plan for the next. It has been years since I was excited about the holidays and felt like I truly enjoyed them. They just seem to be so much work for so little benefit, that I find myself exhausted and stressed out when they are over. This feeling is not just at home, but also at work. It feels lately that I don't have time between clients, projects, or audits at work to breathe, and I find myself inhaling deeply as I leave the office each day. Even the things I enjoy like reading and painting have become laborious. I don't seem to have time to read books anymore and since I have started working at my art in the last year, it has been fun, but also made me feel stressed by deadlines. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it, and I am relieved to know that most of the time it is.

I would like to finish out this year with more of my home and work projects done or at least up to date, and start next year with more vigor than I feel like I have at the moment. I am taking October off from doing any art shows. I will attend, but don't want to feel stressed about being in the show. I want to reorganize my back room and turn it into a functional studio for me to paint in. I also want to clean out my closets and get rid of half of what is hanging in them. I want to break free of stuff and try to slow down. I think my goal over the next few weeks will be to slow down and hopefully slow down my speed of life and enjoy the events, people, and things that make me happy.

Why I Haven't Blogged At All This Year

I think I have had blogger's block for about two years, but I really haven't even tried to post anything in 2012. Facebook and art have taken over my life. This is both positive and negative, I suppose. I looked back over my most recent (yeah, I know there is nothing recent) posts and realized that I never even blogged my trip to France, and that was truly blog worthy. I spent 10 days in Lyon with a good friend and her two children July a year ago and even had my birthday in France, which was quite memorable for me. It was a beautiful city and a year later, I often wake up from dreams of returning.

Floral Sculpture by the Rhone River in Lyon 

I've had a couple of interesting trips for work since my last post, as well. I went to Boston in June of 2011 and LOVE that city. Everything about that city appealed to me and I liked the people I met, as well. Beautiful art and architecture and the city just felt very much "alive." I liked the people, the architecture, and the food. 

Boston Cathedral Detail by Finijo

I also went to Minneapolis in May of this year and it was quite an experience. It was a beautiful city, but I have never visited a city before and seen so much crime in one visit. I actually had to give a statement to police about a theft I witnessed while eating dinner at an outside table at a very nice restaurant. Warning: Do not leave your iPhone sitting on the table when you eat on a patio, a thug is likely to reach over the fence and steal it. In this case, it was two thugs who did their maneuver simultaneously.

Spoonbridge and Cherry by Finijo 

The last couple of year has also been a very creative one for me. I have begun to show my art and have participated in about 8 shows over the last year. I have several more coming over the next six months and I also opened an Etsy store (http://www.etsy.com/shop/Finijo )and I have sold a few pieces, as well. I am starting to do assemblage art, which feels like a good fit, so that is exciting for me. I never really had a desire to show my art publicly (real time, not on line) before now and I am surprised at how much I am enjoying it and how well it is being received.

Ode to JZ (assemblage box) by Finijo

After this month, I hope to get myself organized and set my goals for 2013. So much to do, so little time. I want to be in at least one show at the Lawndale Art Center next year, I would like to curate a show, and I would like to be more productive with my free time, which means that I could spend my time blogging more of what I see and do. I really have missed my blogging time, because it's that pensive time when I get to process my thoughts and file away the experiences I've had and prepare for the new ones at hand. I'm crossing my fingers that I keep this promise to myself.

The Ringlebens

These are two of the people who are responsible for me being here, John and Rosie Ringleben. Rosie's full name is reported to be Katrina (or Kathrina) Rosina Magdalena Von Hohenstein. They immigrated from Germany in the 1840's and they are my great-great-great-grandparents on my maternal grandmother's side of the family.

My brother views genealogy as a pastime for people who are stuck in the past. I think that the more you know about your past, the better you will understand your present. It is just a tool to gain insight. The past fascinates me, but I don't choose to live there.

We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal

Sarah McLachlan

I like the analogy of our bodies as clothes we shed from one life to the next. I think we know more about our past "wardrobe" when we are children, but as we age/mature, we lose or suppress the memory. Sometimes it's difficult to articulate the feeling of it all for fear of sounding like a nut. I have been working on the family genealogy for many years (off and on), so I have been feeling very "connected" to the past while living in the present and raising the future (so to speak). I feel there is a life thread that connects all souls. I guess my analogy would be that souls are energy (like electricity), and they run like current through a universal grid. Instead of being strictly linear, the grid is dimensional with time and form dimensions. The forms would be dead, alive, human, not human, ghost. I don't know any of this to be true, but it is how I sense that the universe works. It is the personal lens I choose to see through.

Stick 'Em Up Sneak Peek

Alex Luster and Tony Reyes photo by Hector Luna

I went to the Sneak Peek of Stick 'Em Up! at the River Oaks tonight with Marilyn, Connor, and Kusa. It was GREAT! Alex 'Pr!mo' Luster and Tony Reyes did Houston street artists proud, while also showing the opposition (city government and law enforcement officials) in a fair light. Anyone who knows me is aware that I have been documenting Houston's street art for years now, but this documentary goes beyond the images and introduces Houston to some of the artists (Give Up, Eyesore, and Dual, to name a few). It is a surprising (and surprisingly funny) introduction. The artists are very aware that what they are doing is illegal, but it is fascinating to hear their reasons for being compelled to continue to share their art in this manner. Stick 'Em Up! is heading to the film festival circuit now and I am hoping to see it play at the new Sundance Theater in downtown Houston when it opens. This "sneak peek," as Alex and Tony call it, was the testing of the waters for the film. After the overwhelming positive response in the theater, I can't help but believe that this film will be opening some doors for both Alex and Tony in the very near future. When you get the chance, see this film. Then take a good look around Houston and know that there are some very hard working artists trying to leave their mark (albeit temporary) on Houston.

Randomness

Black and White by Finijo

I am in that strange place that I find myself occupying on quiet weekend mornings when Connor and Marilyn are still asleep. I have the back door open (gates up for the cats) and I'm listening to Sirius Coffee House, so the mood is mellow. I hung mosquito netting to prevent the squirrels from getting my tomatoes this year, but I haven't secured it yet and the breeze is blowing it in the most beautifully fluid way. I turned to my blog for the first time in weeks and realized that I have many entries started, but not finished. I posted a few of them and will likely post some others, but think I need to start fresh and just start entering things as they happen. I have been hung up on the order of things lately, but that OCD behavior is stopping my flow altogether. I am in a pensive place and thinking about my mortality and my future. I know they are mutually exclusive right up to the point of their intersection. I wonder if my ducks are in a row, if my papers are in one place, my passwords accessible. I wonder a lot of things this morning as I drift in and out of hopeful and borderline morose thoughts. I am neither happy, nor sad, but somehow both. Nothing is linear for me today, so I will bring out some of the posts I never finished and get them off the shelf without actually working on them. In spite of errors in my posts, I try to be a perfectionist when I post and that takes time I don't feel like I have this morning. This is my ode to randomness - enjoy.

Patience (2007) by Finijo

11/28/07 - "The last time I was really productive artistically, was about 13 years ago. At that time I gave up my creative space for a good cause, Connor and Marilyn. I finally settled on a space in the house where I can paint, although it has taken me over a year to figure it out. To be honest, I didn't put much thought into it until recently, but I'm glad now that I have a spot. Not that I am expecting a huge amount of production, but at least it is a place that I can keep set up for when the mood strikes. I have been slowly easing back into the idea of painting again and to be honest, it's a little daunting to go back to it after all this time. Still, I am glad I have a place to work again."

Vibrant Exuberance (2005) by Finijo

2005 - One of the saddest sights you will ever see is an aging stoner chic that passed her prime in the late 70's/early 80's. You can usually spot them, because they have a tendency to cause a stir wherever they go. They have an Anna Nichole Smith quality to their behavior, a vapid coquettism that is strangely surreal. It's like they are simultaneously experiencing a hang over, a head rush and the Rapture. They exude the scent of patchouli and cigarettes and they have raspy voices from the smoking and hard partying they have done for the last 20+ years. They are long past getting by on "cute," but they persist in flirting their way through life, because it worked so well on the security guard at the Stones concert in 1978. With toothless grins, they flash their weathered chests expecting an ovation. It is uncomfortable to watch, but like a living train wreck, you can't look away.

This thought came to me after seeing a woman in the building where I worked at the time. She was making a comi-tragic scene that reminded me of my older sister, Linda. Beautiful Victim (1974) by Gottfried Helwein

No Child Left Behind is a load of horse shit. It's a Texas-sized lie started in Houston by Dr. Rod Paige and perpetuated by George W. Bush, because he apparently never met a lie he could pass up.

This random rage came to me after listening to George W. Bush spout off about the improvements he planned to make to our educational system. It doesn't matter if it was term one or term two - both were nightmares we havenot quite awakened from.

Leadbelly

Huddie Leadbetter was the given name of the blues icon, Leadbelly. He had a voice like gravel and pain...

Please, Governor Neff, Be good 'n' kind
Have mercy on my great long time...
I don't see to save my soul
If I don't get a pardon, try me on a parole...
If I had you, Governor Neff, like you got me
I'd wake up in the mornin' and I'd set you free

This post had to have been started in 1995 around the time of my Napster addiction. I reveled in music I could not hear any other way. I don't care what anyone says, mp3's and Napster was the best thing that could have happened to music at that time. It allowed so many of us to indulge ourselves in out of print and obscure music of the past and new music that otherwise would not have had an avenue for release.

QUOTES FROM THE DEAD

ca. 1995 - At lunch today, I was scrolling through other blogs and I came across one in which the author posted a favorite quote from his grandmother. This is it: Man was given imagination to compensate for what he is not,And a sense of humor to console him for what he is.-Neil Stockman's Letter. It made me laugh out loud, so I stole it for my blog. It did make me think of some of the favorite quotes and sayings from my family.

You'd have had a rosewood casket, if you'd just kept your mouth shut. - Grandma

It's the government, Stupid. - Linda

Damn Communist government. - Linda

Our sister was a wonderfully eccentric woman with some definite, albeit odd (and sometimes humorous) ideas that vacillated between paranoia and reality. I miss her and Grandma so much, still. Grandma's quote has a story that goes along with it, but I will leave it to your imagination.

I still have about 20 more posts that I may throw out here randomly the next time I feel like cleaning house.

London - Day 1

Sunrise Over London by Finijo

I arrived at Heathrow as the sun came up. After 18 long hours, I finally reached my destination via Calgary. Even though it was a long trip, I enjoyed every bit of it thoroughly. From the five hours spent in the Calgary airport, to the in flight movies, to my seat next to the toilet on the plane. Every minute of my trip was an adventure. London Ghosts by Finijo

From Heathrow, I took the Underground Picadilly Line to Russell Square, I walked a couple of blocks to my hotel, the Tavistock in Bloomsbury. It was the perfect location, near the British Museum and everything seemed to be just a quick bus/metro ride or walk from Tavistock Square. After a brisk walk on my first crisp night in London, Andy and I had a lovely dinner at Cosmoba.

Street Art - Ack and Weah

Weah at Dusk (and Sober?) by Finijo

I got out and took some shots of street art around Montrose and on Almeda Rd. at X L Parts. I love that building because it is covered with a variety of artists' work. There are at least 10 artists who have adorned this building with their talent.

Ack! at Dusk by Finijo

I love the colors and it is especially vibrant at dusk and dawn. The trick is getting the shot before the sun goes down. Ack's work is distinct, colorful, and full of humor. Once you are introduced to his characters, you will always recognize a work by Ack. Documenting street art in Houston is one of my favorite things to do - seriously. There is so much happening all the time.

Two Against One by Finijo

If you open your eyes and really look at Houston, you will see that there is an incredibly vibrant art movement afoot. I am always disappointed when people say, "Yeah, I kind of saw it, but I didn't really look at it," when I am describing a new piece I have come across.

Weah's Fire Breather by Finijo

This piece by Weah (like most of his work) is a wonderfully complex figure comprised of organic and geometric shapes. I can see both an Asian and the Aztec influence and it is positively stunning to me.

Weah vs. Ack by Finijo

It's overexposed, but you can see the full work here. Where else do you find a collaborative piece in such disparate styles? I think the juxtaposition of work by these two artists is a wonderful visual analogy of Houston. There is beauty and humor in the mix and I feel very lucky to be in Houston while the artistic energy is flowing so freely. I can't imagine what Houston would be like if it stops.

Eyecon by Eyesore

Eyecon in Orange and Blue by Eyesore

For Karim's birthday, I contacted Eyesore and asked him if he would be willing to do a commissioned piece. He said he would and the result is magnificent. It was a great experience meeting the artist and his daughter. Karim LOVES the finished product and now owns his first piece of original art.

Mixed Media Workshop

Falling In Love With Someone by Finijo

I went to the Mixed Media Workshop at Mariposa Studio this afternoon and the photo above shows what I churned out in about 2 hours. I enjoyed the workshop and Jodie and David Gonzales inspire creativity. Lately, I have been having trouble initiating projects at home, but going to the workshops at Mariposa seems to have jump started my creative juices. I hope some of you decide to join me at Mariposa, because the experience is great for beginners and experienced artists alike. The next workshop is another Chagall and Chardonnay, this Thursday, August 26th.

The piece includes silk flowers, scrap book paper, silver leaf, circuitry from a defunct keyboard, produce netting, a bug trapped in wax from Hurricane Ike, and bees wax.

Symbol

I saw this symbol on Yahoo News today and the title of the article was: Do You Know What This Symbol Means? It was immediately clear to me that this is the symbol for "Your Ass Is Getting Fat." The article mentioned that the symbol is "idiot proof," so I read further and found that it is , in fact, the warning symbol for low tire pressure. I am an idiot :(